Titanium
by Sorrowful Pride
Summary: They were the best of friends when they were younger, but life led them down two very different paths, tearing them apart. While he is the king of Ferelden, she is left to continually protect Kirkwall from itself. Will fate bring them together again? And if so will they even be able to pick up where they left off, or are they now just strangers who share the same memories?
1. Prologue

Lillian Hawke had always known that her family was in danger. Her father and younger sister were both apostates, and that was why she had learned the art of combat since she was old enough to hold a dagger. Every step of the way her mother had been absolutely against the idea of her oldest, yet still very young daughter "playing" with deadly weapons, but her father had been adamant about it. "Leandra, if something should happen to me someone needs to take care of the family," her father always assured her mother. In the end her mother always gave in, but Lily never missed the unhappy glances that would be cast her way.

Subterfuge was Lillian's specialty; subterfuge and archery. It was her skill in stealth that landed her in her current position – sneaking through the local chantry to learn everything they knew about any local apostates, namely her father and sister. It was something she did on nearly a weekly basis, and surprisingly it had all been her idea. If the chantry caught wind that her father and sister were apostates she wanted to know ahead of time so they could have a head start and flee. Unsurprisingly her mother had been against it. "What if they catch you, Lillian?" she had asked. Of course the brave girl merely grinned. "Pat me on the head and send me on my way. I'm twelve, Mother, I'm certain they won't think twice about me being in a chantry of all places." And that had been the end of it. Her father had taken her side and Leandra had given in once again, seeing no real reason to oppose other than her own mild worry.

Sneaking wasn't even the word for it anymore. Lily glided between the lay sisters and the templars without much notice and slipped into the back rooms. There was nothing of interest in the room, she knew, as her true destination was down a few more hallways and into the commanding templars office. If anyone knew there were apostates in Lothering, he would.

Lily had made the trip to the office many times before, and so quite fearlessly she continued through the next door which led her into a narrow hallway. Statues of Andraste were everywhere along the hallway, and it smelled perpetually of mothballs. But she trained her face into an impassive one as she moved along, ready to play the lost little girl should she be discovered. But for all the twists and turns in the corridors that she had to make, she never ran into a soul. As she finally came upon her destination she carefully twisted the door knob only to find that it was locked. She frowned fractionally and pressed an ear to the door, but there were no sounds coming from inside. Taking caution, Lily explored a few of the nearby halls to make sure it was clear before she moved back to the office door. She plucked a pin from her hair and set to work on picking the lock. The locks were weak, and it took only mere seconds before she heard the click that meant she had succeeded.

The girl made sure it was clear once again before she turned the knob and slipped into the office, making sure to silently close the door behind her. From there she set to work, snooping through the drawers of the desk and the cabinets that took up the space of the room. Moments passed by and she found nothing. A sigh of relief left her, and at that moment she heard the click of the door behind her that caused her heart to drop. She turned around only to see a boy standing there, a year or two older than her with dirty blonde hair and confused brown eyes. They stood there for what felt like moments, his eyes locked to hers, and Lily standing there scanning him like he was fruit in the marketplace. He was no templar, but one in training, she could tell from the cheap leathers that they called armor. It was nothing more than hand-me-downs.

"You're not Ser Harrison." the boy said lamely.

Lillian blinked a few times as she tried to process what he said. Was he serious? "No, I'm not." she replied mildly. But then an idea struck her, and she went with it. "He had requested to speak with me, but Sister Maureen needed him. So he told me to wait here for him. I suspect he will be returning shortly." Her tone was natural and easy, such a believable lie. It was something she had perfected.

The boy seemed to believe it as he nodded his head. "Oh, alright then." Without asking he took a seat in the chair across from the desk and began tapping his legs patiently.

Lily was taken aback by this, but she kept her face neutral. How was she supposed to get out of this now? She glanced to her side where she saw a large window, and her escape plan quickly formed. She let out a dramatic sigh and put her hands on her hips. "You know, it's one thing to request an audience with me, it's another to keep me here waiting for an hour!" An annoyed look etched across her face, and she was happy to see the boy looked horrified at her words.

"An hour?" he repeated.

The brunette nodded dramatically yet again. He seemed like a sucker and would probably eat it right up. "An hour! I don't have the time for this! If Ser Harrison returns and you are still here, tell him he had better learn some manners concerning the way he treats his guests!" and with that Lillian swung the window upon and gracefully hopped on to the sill.

The boy looked positively alarmed. "No, wait! That's a long drop!"

But she didn't stop to listen. Lillian only had to take a single glance to find a safe way down the two-story drop. She leaped from the window fearlessly which caused the templar boy to cry out again. But Lily's hands skillfully caught on to a sturdy tree branch that hung only feet from the window. She easily brought her legs up and swung her body so she sat on the branch and turned to the boy in the window. She was amused to find that his face was a ghostly white, his mouth hanging agape. She cast him a confident smile and wiggled her fingers at him in a wave. "See you around, Little Templar." she called, and with that she scaled down the length of the tree as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

* * *

A/N: And voila, the prologue! If anyone is curious, no the story will not take place during this time. It is merely a convenient flash of Hawke's past to show how she was when she first met Alistair (and yes, that was him!) in contrast to how she will be towards in him later chapters. :)


	2. Chapter One

Mornings were the one consistent thing in Lillian Hawke's life. She had a morning routine that rarely changed, and she valued it highly. Today was no different. She awoke just after the sun had risen, stretched out her tired muscles, and climbed out of bed, leaving the sleeping canine curled under the blankets. From there she began heating water for her morning bath before she wandered back into her bedroom to pick out her clothes for the day. Or armor, rather. Lillian didn't have the luxury of wearing normal clothes whenever she wanted. There was always trouble stirring up in Kirkwall, and she was always the one who had to fix the problem. Those problems almost always came to violence, and after a while it got a little bothersome. It didn't help that the people of Kirkwall had come to expect her to clean up whatever mess they had created, whether it was because there was no viscount or because she was the Champion of Kirkwall (though she had a feeling it was a combination of both) she couldn't say.

Picking out her usual armor that consisted mostly of toughened leather, Lillian laid the outfit across her bed before she moved to the glass door that led to her small little balcony. She quietly pushed the door open and took a step outside, taking a deep breath of the morning air. It looked as though it would be a relatively sunny, cloudless day. The air was pleasantly warm, not hot but not sticky with humidity either, and there was a refreshing breeze to make it all the better. It was the picture perfect early summer morning, and yet Lillian had a difficult time enjoying it.

Her ice-blue eyes swept over the section of Kirkwall behind her, watching as the merchants began to set up shop in quiet contempt. How easy their lives must be. They weren't forced to carry the burden of an entire city; a city that wasn't even her true home no less. They didn't have to worry about letting an entire city crumble to ruins if one minor slip up was made. She didn't doubt that some of them had responsibilities thrust upon them that they didn't want or appreciate, but they were not of the same degree as her situation. The most frustrating part was she never had the time to just sit down and take a breather. Four years had passed since she had been able to do whatever she wanted to do, not because it was a part of something her responsibilities made her do, but because she _wanted_ to do it for no real reason at all. Perhaps it was selfish of her to want a day where she was free to do as she pleased, but she thought she deserved it. Her younger brother and mother had died in the last four years, and her sister had been dragged away to the Circle of Magi two years ago where Lillian couldn't even see her. And after all of that she hadn't been able to grieve. Her friends offered their sympathies, but things in Kirkwall kept on moving; the world wouldn't wait for her and she knew it. So she kept pushing, hoping each and every day that she was one step closer to her own personal freedom, where she wasn't forced to carry the burdens of this terribly plagued city, but for each step forward it felt like she took two back. It was a vicious cycle, one she would be all too happy to break.

"Looking awfully moody this morning, Hawke!"

Snapping from her reverie, Lillian glanced over the railing of the balcony to see a familiar figure standing on the ground below. She hadn't even noticed she had been scowling until her lips quirked into a small smile. The shock of silvery hair was a dead give away. Fenris caught her eye, the faintest of grins on his lips as he quirked a brow. "Something I should be worried about?"

Lillian let out a snort at this, her smile quickly turning into a small smirk. "Only if you plan on adding something else to the list of things I need to fix."

Fenris chuckled lightly at this. "Wouldn't dream of it."

She watched as he turned and made his way through the forming crowds, only lifting a hand in a small wave over his shoulder in goodbye. She gave her own soft chuckle at this. It was common knowledge that they rarely saw eye-to-eye, and they were more like rivals than anything else. But Lillian couldn't deny that they at least trusted and cared about one another. Not in a romantic way, but more in a brotherly way, at least for her.

A sudden knock on her bedroom door caused Hawke to leave the balcony, locking the glass door behind her as she did so. "Breakfast is ready for you, messere."

Lillian frowned, realizing that she had fallen behind in her morning schedule. "Thank you, Bodahn. I shall be downstairs shortly."

The dwarf assured her that the food would still be there when she arrived before she heard him trudge back down the stairs. Frown still on her face, the brunette made her way back into the washroom that connected to her bedroom. Checking the water, she was relieved to find that it hadn't gotten too hot. As she poured the buckets of warm water into the tub she added a few fragrant oils, filling the room and water with the delicate scent of flowers. Most prominently, the scent of lilies and honeysuckle. Isabela often made the joke, "Lily smells of lilies, how perfect!" Truth be told she didn't do it because her name was Lillian; she genuinely liked the smell of lilies and even more ironically, they were her favorite flower. Or at least they had been up until a year ago. Now the sight of them made her stomach lurch, but the smell still pleased her.

Hawke took a quick bath before she dried off with a fluffy towel and changed into her leather armor. She was just slipping on her boots as the sheets of her bed began moving. Lillian glanced to the bed only to see the massive canine emerge from under the covers, giving a shake of his pelt before he jumped off the bed and padded over to his mistress. He laid his enormous head down on her lap, earning himself a scratch behind the ears from Lillian. "Well good morning, Farkas," she cooed softly. "Glad to see you decided to join the living today." The canine merely let out a huff in response.

If the people of Kirkwall regarded Fereldens with disdain for their love of mabari, it only went without saying they were twice as cruel when it came to Lillian. Farkas was a mabari without a doubt, but only half. The other half was wolf, and it was plain as day. If nothing else, Farkas resembled an overgrown wolf, but with the bulk and intelligence of a mabari. His fur was long and thick, the color ranging from dark brown to the creamy brown of his belly, and he had the pointed ears and bushy tail that were trademark of the wolf. In fact, nothing physically resembled a mabari in Farkas other than his massive size and the intelligence that gleamed in his unsettling yellow eyes. When Lillian had first stepped foot in Kirkwall with him people had run in terror, which Lily had found to be amusing at the time. Even four years later the townsfolk were still wary of him, though Aveline was fond of him and a few days a week she brought him to Viscount's Keep to train her guards. Farkas seemed to enjoy it, though the same couldn't really be said of the city guard.

"Come on, let's get some breakfast." With an excited whine Farkas jumped back, his bushy tail wagging in anticipation. Lillian finished slipping on her boots before she stood and made her way downstairs with the furry shadow in tow.

When she arrived downstairs she saw that Bodahn had filled more food than she could eat in a day. She sighed and cast him a look that caused the dwarf to casually shrug his shoulders. "I never know what you're in the mood for, messere, so I make a bit of everything for you." he said simply.

"I'm in the mood for not wasting food." Lillian shot back at him, a tiny smile quirking at her lips.

Bodahn returned the smile happily. "Then I suggest you eat up, messere."

With another sigh Lillian began making her plate. A few sausages here, some freshly baked buttered bread there, and some grapes. She had just settled down in her chair at the table when the chair across from her pulled out and a figure plopped down in it unceremoniously. "Another big breakfast I see. You're pretty lucky I dropped in when I did."

Lillian's ice blue eyes met with a pair of warm brown ones. "Lucky that you dropped in, or lucky that you're always lurking around my home? I seem to recall that you do both." Her lips curved into a true smile. "I may as well have Bodahn prepare a spare room for you, Isabela. You practically live here anyway." Lillian popped a grape into her mouth as Isabela made her own plate. She had long since given up hope on her best friend asking permission to do anything, especially in her own home. Lillian had woken up on a few occasions to Isabela helping herself to her tub. It wasn't that Lillian minded, but sometimes a bit of warning would have been nice.

"I wouldn't be caught dead living in Hightown." Isabela remarked. "Too many stuffy nobles for my liking. And there's this one mean woman who lives in Hightown, she has a smelly wolf-dog and a heart of ice." Farkas perked his ears at this, his eyes turning to Isabela as he gave an unappreciative whine. The thief clucked her tongue and tossed the canine a piece of sausage. "I didn't mean it you big ol' brute." she grinned. "The part about you, anyhow."

"Hey now, he doesn't need a whole sausage to himself." Lillian cut-in. "No one will be afraid of a fat wolf-dog." Farkas gave a half-hearted whine, but he was too focused on devouring the sausage to really put much effort into it. Turning back to Isabela, Lillian had to ask. "Do they really say I have a heart of ice?"

Isabela shrugged her shoulders casually, popping a piece of cantaloupe in her mouth before she answered. "Some do. I mean you're not exactly... _kind_ to the people you don't know. The way the nobles see it you're all smiles and sunshine around the ruffians of Lowtown and Darktown, but you're not nearly as warm with them." She bit off a piece of ham before she directed her attention back to Lillian. "But Lily you have to remember, these are also the people who say you're romantic with Anders, Sebastian, and Varric all at the same time."

Lillian scoffed at this, a small chuckle leaving her. "That's it? No mention of me and Fenris?"

"You don't want to know what they say about you and Fenris." Isabela assured her, though there was a mischievous look in her brown eyes that made Lily certain she wanted to tell her anyway.

"I think I may want to know."

Isabela took a swig of the wine Bodahn had set out with breakfast before she responded. "Well apparently you and Fenris have a child together, but you shipped the brat off to Antiva to be trained by assassins because you didn't want anything to do with the babe." Lillian nearly choked on her food, but Isabela kept on. "Fenris was outraged that you sent away his child and took revenge by informing the templars of your sister. Apparently he had it all perfectly planned out so the day you came back from the expedition she was taken away."

The two were quiet for a moment, Lillian trying to take it all in while Isabela continued eating her food. "Well that's a bit ridiculous." She felt the sudden urge to gulp down the entire bottle of wine at the memory of Bethany being taken away by the templars, but she resisted. Instead she popped a few more grapes in her mouth as she tried changing the subject. "You said all three of them at the same time? They're certainly... imaginative. I don't even know where they would get the notion I was being romantic with one of them, nevermind all three."

The pirate merely smirked. "Well when you get a bit of alcohol in you, you do seem quite taken with Sebastian. But who could blame you? Not only is he a prince, but he's quite sexy."

"I'm not taken with Sebastian." Lillian chuckled. "While yes, he is handsome, he's far too... prude."

Isabela laughed at that. "Quite. He'd probably ignite into flames if you were to kiss his cheek." Quietly she swirled the wine in her cup before she looked back to Lillian with that knowing look. "Besides, I know you're not taken with Sebastian, or Varric, or Fenris, or Anders."

"Oh do you?" Lillian quirked a brow, though she couldn't hide the suspicion. Isabela knew something, she always seemed to have her nose in matters that didn't concern her, especially when it came to Lily. It was like her own personal life was Isabela's playground.

"I do." Isabela nodded. "There are little rumors flying about. They say you've been spending an awful lot of time with a certain Knight-Captain."

Lillian was slightly caught off guard by this. Rather than confirming or denying it however, Lillian sighed and took a sip of wine. "That doesn't mean it's true. Knight-Captain Cullen isn't one for being loose with women."

Isabela opened her mouth to respond, but Lillian was spared by Bodahn hurrying towards Lillian with a sealed paper in his hands. "Messere, a message has come for you. It's urgent!"

She wanted to say that everything in the city seemed to be urgent nowadays, but she bit her tongue. Instead she took the note from Bodahn and opened it, well aware of Isabela's eyes on her. She scanned the paper once, then twice before a scowl formed on her lips. She threw the paper on the table in annoyance. Of course she wanted to see her, it was inevitable. Lillian rose from the table, her anger practically radiating off of her. "Come on, Farkas," she called to her companion. "Meredith has called, it's best not to keep the old witch waiting."

Isabela stood as Farkas did, a glimmer of curiosity in her eyes. "I'll come along as well." she chirped. "If you lop off the Knight-Commander's head I want to be there to see it."

Lillian scoffed. "You and half of Kirkwall."

* * *

A/N: And there's the first chapter. It's probably going to be a bit slow at first, but it picks up! I promise! Feel free to message me with any ideas, criticism, or... well anything else!


	3. Chapter Two

The trip to the Gallows was rather uneventful. A few merchants tried to get Lillian to purchase their goods, but one proper look at the fire in her eyes immediately had them thinking better of it. There were many reasons why the summons from Meredith had sparked her anger, but the biggest reason was the fact the woman was simply psychotic. Lillian supported mages, that was a well-known fact. And yet the Knight-Commander always seemed to think Lillian would support her decisions that were almost always cruel to mages. It wasn't logical, and Hawke was almost certain that the templar was delirious.

As they arrived at the Gallows, Lillian saw a familiar figure standing to the side in his usual spot. She was contemplating whether or not it was a good idea to speak with him in the presence of Isabela (as surely she would blow it all out of proportion later) when he turned his head and caught her gaze. The decision was made for her as he motioned her over. Isabela didn't miss the exchange and sent her a sly look. "Oh, Lover Boy is beckoning you over. What could he possibly want with my sweet Lily?"

"First you said I had a heart of ice, now I'm sweet? Make up your mind, woman."

Isabela's smirk only grew. "Icy to those who don't know how to melt it. I bet Cullen knows how to warm you up."

Already she regretted her words, so Lillian kept her mouth shut as she made her way over to the Knight-Captain. He regarded them with a nod of the head, but his eyes were only on her. She pretended not to notice, especially when she could feel Isabela's wicked smirk fixated on her. Cullen was an attractive man, she wouldn't deny that. He had a strong jaw and brown eyes that seemed to be both serious and kind. He was a good person, probably the only good templar she'd ever met. But there was something about him that was familiar to her, something more than the fact he also hailed from Ferelden. The golden hair and brown eyes, it reminded her of _him_..

"Cullen," Lillian greeted politely. "How are things?"

The templar seemed to shift uncomfortably. "That depends on who you ask." He glanced to Isabela and Farkas briefly before turning his eyes back to Lillian. "The knight-commander would have you believe that things are under control. But there is unrest; no one is certain of what will happen, but something big is brewing."

Lillian frowned fractionally. "Meredith isn't exactly... the shining example of sanity." Normally she wouldn't censor herself, but Meredith was the knight-commander and it was a templar she was speaking to. As friendly as they were to one another, it wouldn't be proper if she were to directly insult the woman no matter how batty she seemed to be. "Speaking of Meredith, she summoned me here today. Any idea what she intends?"

Cullen frowned, clearly unhappy. "It's nothing you want to deal with, Hawke." he promised. "I am sorry. But if you ignore her things will only get worse."

Well that did nothing to ease her mind. "Ah, I see." Lillian glanced down to Farkas who sat patiently beside her. With a sigh she scratched him behind the ear, trying to imagine what ludicrous task Meredith could have possibly thought up. When nothing came to mind she brought her gaze back to Cullen who stood equally as patient before her. "Well there's no use in avoiding it, then. I'll see you around, Cullen." She offered him a small half-smile before she turned towards the templar's quarters with Isabela and Farkas in tow.

"Until next time, Hawke." he called out after her.

The short walk to Meredith's office was surprisingly quiet. Lillian had expected Isabela to make some sort of remark about Cullen, but it never came. Not wanting to bring that upon herself she opted to stay quiet as well. It wasn't until they entered the rather small office that belonged to Meredith that anyone spoke.

"Hawke," Meredith greeted rather flatly. "I have need of you."

Lillian scowled, not bothering to hide her ire. "I'm not a dog that you can call upon when it suits you, Meredith." Isabela, not seeming to mind the tension in the air, leaned against the wall with a look of amusement. Farkas remained standing, his yellow eyes fixed on Meredith in a heavy stare. "You have an army of templars under your command, I see no reason for you to trouble me with your problems." she growled.

Meredith took it all with stride, a rather impassive (though slightly irritated) look on her aging face. "You've proven yourself formidable. And your sympathy for the mages is something that will be required for this task." She paused to give Lillian a sharp look. "Unless you'd rather have the bodies of more dead mages lying around the city."

A whole new level of anger flared up within her this time, though Lillian did her best to try to control it. "You mean to tell me that you _don't_ want to spill the blood of every mage you come across?"

The knight-commander gave an exasperated sigh, though she held her patience. "Contrary to popular belief, no I don't wish to kill every mage I meet." she answered smoothly. "There are three apostates who we believe to be blood mages running about Kirkwall. I want you to apprehend them and bring them to me. I would prefer you bring them to me alive to be questioned, but if they give you trouble..."

The room was quiet for a moment as Lillian tried to digest what Meredith had told her. "What makes you believe that these are blood mages?" she asked in what she had hoped to be a civil tone.

"The simple fact they abandoned the Circle."

The way Meredith answered, the simple matter-of-fact tone, caused Lillian to let out a callous laugh, but the templar seemed unfazed. "There are many reasons why a mage would leave the Circle. Believe it or not, most of them do not involve blood magic." Farkas gave a small growl beside her, but Lillian merely placed a comforting hand on his head. He was growing angry as well, she could sense it. "But I won't get into that with you, Knight-Commander. What I will ask is this: why do you think I should help you? I understand you wish to guilt me into it by mentioning the potential of more dead mages should I not help, but what makes you think I care? Yes I support mages whole-heartedly, but that does not make them my friends on a personal level. What you see as me aiding _them_, they see as me aiding _you_."

Meredith studied her carefully. Her sharp blue eyes went to the window, and Lillian couldn't help but follow her gaze. "Your sister is in the Circle, is she not?"

It was bait, she knew it was and yet Lillian bit right into it. "Don't play games with me, you know damn well she is!" Her eyes turned back to Meredith in a steely gaze. "What about her? Why bring her up now?"

"She is a good mage," Meredith said coolly. "Though I can't say what would happen to her should her sister refuse to aid me."

It all happened in an instant: Lillian moved toward Meredith, her hand reaching for the dagger that she kept in her belt, Farkas let out a vicious growl, the fur on his back raising as his ears pinned back to his head. But before anything could happen a hand was on Lillian's shoulder to hold her back, and Isabela was standing at her side, an angry look on her face. "That's a bit low for a person in your position, don't you think?" Isabela growled at Meredith. She turned her eyes to Lillian and shook her head slightly.

The rage burned inside her like an inferno, but she reluctantly left the dagger at her side. Farkas continued to growl at Meredith, who only gave the wolf-dog a cool look. "Fine, Meredith." Lillian snapped. "I'll see what I can do about your blood mages." It wasn't worth being imprisoned over. Not now, anyway.

Meredith nodded her head, seeming to think everything had settled down. "Very good." The templar grabbed a sealed note from her desk and handed it to Lillian. "This contains all the information you need to know about the apostates. You have my thanks."

Lillian spat at the ground before Meredith, though she knew better than to actually spit on the woman. "That's what I think of your _thanks_. Don't think I won't forget you blackmailed me into it." Without giving Meredith the chance to respond Lillian turned and made her way out of the office. Isabela and Farkas were right on her heels, and for once Isabela wasn't smirking amusedly. As they stepped back into the Gallows, Lillian saw the apologetic look Cullen shot her. She merely shook her head and made for the boat that would sail her back to the docks of Lowtown.

Before long the trio had settled into the Hanged Man with the rest of their party. They all looked upon the note Meredith had given Lillian and tried to figure out the best way to solve it without any bloodshed. Of course Fenris made it clear he would rather see a dead mage, he was the only one who felt that way and let it go. There were three apostates, an elf named Huon who had a wife in the alienage, a human named Evelina who had last been seen in Darktown, and an Emile de Launcet who hailed from the noble de Launcet family. No specifications were given about Emile, only that his family could only be contacted in Hightown at night. Finally they had decided upon a plan of action. They would spilt into two groups, one to hunt down Evelina, the other to track down Huon. Lillian, Isabela, Sebastian, and Fenris decided they would check up on Evelina while Varric, Anders, Merrill, and Aveline checked the lead on Huon. They all agreed they would meet back at the Hanged Man when they completed their task.

Varric's party was the first to leave while Lillian hung back for a moment. Isabela and Fenris made themselves comfortable leaning against the bar, but Lillian opted for sitting at a table far in the corner, trying to collect her thoughts. The situation with Meredith still had her blood boiling and she wasn't going to apologize to the woman for anything she had said or done. But a part of her was angry at herself for being so unprofessional. Lillian once had the ability to mask any emotion she was hiding behind a brilliant smile, but that self-control had been slowly ebbing away from her over the last few years. Perhaps it was the stress of everything wearing her down, or maybe she was simply becoming a different person. If it was the latter of the two, Lillian really didn't like who she was becoming. Where she once was witty, sarcastic and charming, she was now becoming so bitter and angry. It was only when she was around her friends that she felt even a sliver of her old self again.

"You're looking awfully bitter today, Hawke. Are you alright?"

Lillian looked up suddenly, her eyes meeting a pair of serene blue-green ones. She offered Sebastian a weak smile before she looked back to her hands that rested on the table. She plucked at the fabric of her fingerless gloves mindlessly, letting herself give out a quiet sigh. "That's the second time I've heard that today." Sebastian gave her a polite smile, urging her to go on. "I'm... I'll be fine. Just feeling extra broody today I suppose." Lillian looked up to find Sebastian studying her casually.

"Broody?" he chuckled. "Isn't that supposed to be Fenris' job?"

Despite herself she gave a quiet laugh as well. "Yes, I suppose it is."

The two were quiet for a moment before Sebastian spoke once more. "Hawke, you've looked like you were going to tear out someone's throat since you walked in. What happened?"

The small smile she had been wearing disappeared, melting away into a frown. A sudden weight dropped on to her lap, and Lillian looked down to find Farkas had put his head there. It was something he had always done to comfort her, and she couldn't stop herself from scratching him behind the ear absent-mindedly. "When I refused to help Meredith she decided to bring Bethany into it. She said Bethany was a good mage, but if I didn't help, she didn't know what would happen to her." Farkas nuzzled into her lap more, his ears twitched back slightly in what Lillian could only assume to be sadness. He loved Bethany too.

"She blackmailed you?" he asked, his tone disbelieving. "But she's the knight-commander. She was probably just under a lot of stress, Hawke, I doubt she meant it. With the mages stirring up all this trouble -"

"The templars share the blame equally with the mages." Lillian snapped. She stood then, Farkas not missing a beat and taking his place at her side. "She seemed to mean it, Sebastian. If you don't believe me then ask Isabela, she was there too. The chantry isn't all rainbows and sunshine like you seem to think it is."

Without waiting for an argument to start, Lillian brushed by him and motioned for Isabela and Fenris to follow. She was vaguely aware of Sebastian bringing up the rear of their party as they stepped out of the Hanged Man, but she paid him no mind. Lillian wasn't having the best day, and it seemed everyone was set to bring her down today. Well she wouldn't have any of that. So instead of letting the anger and grief swallow her up, she steeled herself for what the day would bring. It couldn't get much worse, could it?


	4. Chapter Three

Before heading to Darktown the group had made their way to the Hawke Estate so Lillian could retrieve her bow and arrows. She always kept a handful of daggers and throwing knives on her person, but unless she knew she was going to face battle she left her trusty bow at home. It was her most prized possession and her strongest form of combat, but sometimes it wasn't worth the hassle of equipping the bow and quiver when the cult-based assassins of Kirkwall could be easily dispatched with the throw of her daggers. Blood mages were an entirely different matter, however, and had to be approached with a certain type of caution.

Darktown was a rather large area, and it took a little while before the group discovered anything of importance. At first Lillian had been unsure, but when she heard one of the boys call the other by name then she knew they were exactly what she had been looking for. Motioning for the others to follow, Lillian made her way to the two boys who sat on the filthy ground conversing with one another.

"Come on, Cricket. It's not a good idea to stay here anymore. Evelina will -"

"Evelina, hmm?" Lillian knelt down in front of them so she would be eye level. She cast them a small smile, surprisingly sincere for all the anger she had experienced earlier. "I don't suppose you mean Evelina the mage?"

The red-haired boy immediately crawled behind the older one, eager to hide from the presence of a stranger. But the older boy, one Lillian remembered to be Walter, held his ground and cast her a steady glance. "I remember you," he started. "You gave us a handful of sovereigns a while back. Lady Lillian Hawke, right? The Champion of Kirkwall?"

Lillian kept a patient smile on her lips. "You can't answer a question with a question, it's poor manners." Walter flushed in embarrassment, but Lillian pressed on. "But yes, I'm afraid I am the champion you speak of. And I need to speak with Evelina, do you know where I can find her?"

Walter hesitated for a moment. "I don't think that's a good idea, messere. She's not... fit for company."

"I understand that Evelina has... changed since you saw her last." It was a bit unsettling that the boys were acting so afraid. It was one thing to fear for the life of their surrogate mother, but this kind of fear was something else entirely. From what she remembered of Evelina, the woman wouldn't have harmed a hair on their heads. But if she was a blood mage and being possessed by a demon then anything was possible. "I'm here to help Evelina, that's all."

Cricket suddenly jumped to his feet. "You can't see her!" He turned his attention to Walter. "They can't see her, she'll do mean things again!"

In the blink of an eye Cricket darted off. Walter scrambled to his feet and hurried after his younger brother, calling after him to slow down. Lillian huffed and stood up once again. She cast a look back to her group. "Well, who's up for chasing some kids around the sewers?"

Isabela's nose crinkled immediately. "Please tell me you're joking."

Lillian shook her head. "You saw those kids fly down there like there was a demon at their heels. They're frightened, and they're returning to the only mother they know." They had to be returning to Evelina, Lillian was sure of it.

Isabela tried to argue against it more, but Lillian moved to follow the boys and Fenris and Sebastian were right behind her. Farkas was the only one who stood at Isabela's side, but he was giving her a look that seemed to scream "Well are you coming?" Isabela sighed and followed after the group, giving Farkas a false glare. "Even you take her side in this. Why would you want to go down there? Aren't you afraid of getting your fur dirty?"

Farkas merely snorted in response.

As it happens, the sewers weren't as dreadful as Isabela had imagined. The thought of parading through knee-high filth hadn't really bothered Lillian (not to say she would have enjoyed it), but she was secretly appreciative of the fact the sewers were more like the upper part of Darktown. The only difference seemed to be rivers of polluted water that rushed through some of the rooms, though there were small bridges to lead them safely over it. The smell in those particular rooms made Lillian's eyes burn, but they made their way forward nevertheless.

"Thank the Maker this seems to be a one-way in and one-way out kind of place," Sebastian commented as they passed their way through a large empty room. "I doubt even Farkas would be able to sniff out their trail with all of this filth down here."

Lillian was about to respond, but at that exact moment a loud hiss rang through the room, echoing off of the empty cement walls. The group froze in place, their breathing stilled as they waited for the inevitable. Not but a moment later a rage demon and a handful of shades materialized from seemingly nowhere. The group reacted immediately. Fenris pulled the greatsword from his back and charged the rage demon fearlessly with Isabela hot on his heels, daggers drawn. Sebastian had brought out his bow and began slinging arrows at the two shades who were advancing on Isabela while Farkas took on a third shade by himself. Lillian set her sights on the last two shades who seemed to have locked in on her and Sebastian who were standing out in the open. Sebastian saw them and nodded his head in their direction as he reached for another arrow from his quiver. "Hawke." he warned.

"I see them." she said mildly, still not forgetting how he had sided with Meredith earlier. In a swift movement Lillian drew her bow and had an arrow already in position to fire. She waited only a second before she let the arrow fly, watching in amusement at it hit one of the shades with a _thump_. The shades set their focus on Lillian alone now, and hurried towards her as fast as they could manage. But with a few more arrows they fell dead before they could even reach her. Just as she lowered her bow the fight with the rage demon and the other shades had finished, everyone seeming relatively unharmed during the skirmish. With a small smile Lillian collected her arrows, picking up a few of Sebastians that she found along the way. When all the arrows were collected and the others had sheathed their weapons Lillian handed her fellow archer his arrows, only grunting as he gave her his thanks.

"Well, it seems we're on the right path." Fenris mused. "They know we're here."

The group pressed forward once again, coming across only a trap or two that Lillian easily dispatched with deft fingers. After awhile (and a few more rather weak skirmishes) Lillian was certain she could hear voices up ahead. As they got closer she recognized those voices; Walter and Cricket, and it sounded like they were arguing. Sure enough, as she rounded the corner she saw that the boys seemed to be arguing about whether they should run or not. Walter was the first to acknowledge her. "Lady Hawke, I -"

"You need to leave!" Cricket cut him off. "Or you'll make Evelina very angry. She's mean when she's angry."

Out of no where Evelina appeared, standing behind the boys with a poisonous smile on her lips. Farkas immediately let out a growl, and Lillian let a soft growl leave her as well. No one snuck up on her, it was impossibly difficult to do. Evelina was no assassin, leaving magic to be the only explanation. Her sudden appearance seemed to startle the boys as well, as they shot off in a run to get away from her. But in the blink of an eye she was suddenly in front of the boys, effectively cutting them off. "My dear boys," Evelina purred. "Why are you running from me?"

Fed up with the situation, Lillian cut in. "It couldn't possibly have anything to do with you being a blood mage." Her tone was dripping with sarcasm, and it seemed to catch Evelina's attention as her head whipped in Lillian's direction. "That would make too much sense, wouldn't it?"

"You!" she snarled. "You have no business being here!"

Lillian gave Evelina a level look. "I have every right to be here. You're endangering the lives of the boys you call your children. Let me help you and -" But she was cut off by a shrieking laugh from Evelina.

"Help me?" she mocked. "You mean drag me back to the Gallows to be turned tranquil!" The crazed woman stepped away from Walter and Cricket, marching towards Lillian with a fire in her eyes. Farkas let out a snarl and snapped at the air in front of him in warning, but the mage paid him no mind. Lillian regarded the woman cautiously, aware that there would only be a second's warning if she resorted to blood magic. "I would sooner die than return to the Circle!"

Evelina pulled a dagger from her belt and sliced open her hand. It was all the warning they could hope for. Lillian slipped a throwing knife from her glove and sent it flying Evelina's way just as her body morphed into an ugly abomination. The blade stuck right in the creature's empty eye socket, causing the abomination to cry out in anger. She slipped out another throwing knife just as the abomination summoned a dozen lesser demons to the room.

"Run!" Lillian called to the boys. "Find somewhere to hide and don't come out until I get you!" The boys did as they were told without a second of hesitation.

The demons descended upon the group, but they were more than ready for them. Fenris focused on keeping Evelina's attention while Sebastian and Isabela whittled down the lesser demons. Lillian used up her supply of throwing knives to weaken Evelina as much as she could before she drew her daggers and followed Isabela's lead by slicing away at them. There were far too many of the lesser demons to waste arrows on, and she didn't have the luxury of plucking arrows from dead corpses during battle. She danced across the battle like a shadow, her blades sinking into demon flesh while she gracefully danced her way around the claws and limbs that tried to strike her. The battle seemed to drag on, as if for every demon they killed two more spawned. But finally it seemed they had exhausted Evelina's supply. The four of them turned their full attention to the abomination, Lillian drawing her bow at long last. She nocked an arrow and drew it back, taking aim. Fenris made his charge, Isabela not far behind him. Sebastian had mimicked Lillian's action and everything seemed well... until Lillian felt a sudden shift.

One second everything was fine, and the next it felt like the air had been knocked right out of her lungs. A crushing force seemed to fall upon her, and all she could manage to do was let out a small cry as her bow fell from her hands. Her body seemed to collapse to the ground of its own volition, and she thought she heard Isabela call out her name. Had she? It was so hard to hear anything, her head was filled with a buzzing sound, and the only thing Lillian could really focus on was breathing. It was labored breathing, but she couldn't manage much more than that. A sensation of dizziness began just before there was a loud crack following by a harsh hissing sound. The crushing force that had been pinned on her lifted a second after that, letting Lillian breathe normally once more.

"Lily!" Isabella cried. She darted right for Lillian's side and helped her sit up, concern written all across her face. "Are you alright?"

Lillian gave the pirate a playful glare. "Oh, yes. I'm fine; great, actually! I only had to suffer through a damnable Crushing Prison. No big deal." The females broke out into laughter at this, leaving Fenris to roll his eyes as Sebastian gathered his arrows. When the laughing ceased Fenris held out a hand to help Lillian to her feet, one that she gratefully accepted. "Thank you, Fenris."

He merely gave a 'hmph' in response.

Things settled down after that. Evelina had been killed and Lillian found Walter and Cricket hiding in the next room over, huddled under a rusting piece of machinery. She gave them a handful of sovereigns and told them if they ever needed anything, all they had to do was seek her out. The boys seemed relieved that someone was offering them help, and there was a strange prickle in Lillian's heart as she watched them dart off. After that the group headed back to the Hanged Man, though their pace was slower than before since Lillian had to take her time, not having fully recovered from that awful spell. When they had arrived it was well past nightfall. As they entered the barman told them Varric and the others were up in the dwarf's room, and so they made their way up there straight away.

Lillian swung the door open and blinked a few times in surprise as she took in the sight before her. "I see you guys didn't have an easy time either." Aveline and Merrill were covered in blood, though Anders was currently tending to a wound on the guard-captain's arm. Varric sat in his mighty chair looking relatively unharmed, if not a little tired.

Merrill's big green eyes turned to Lillian, a small frown forming on her lips. "It was awful." The sorrow in her voice made Lillian believe it.

"You tell me yours I'll tell you mine?" Lillian offered with a half-smile.

And so Varric told her all about what had happened in the alienage. When they first went there Huon was no where to be found, but they spoke to his wife who claimed Huon had stopped in to see her after the templar's had interrogated her. He promised he would come back to get her so they could live happily together once again. But the wife was convinced he wasn't the Huon she had known before the Circle had taken him. She told them to come back at nightfall, as Huon would likely come for her then. And so they had. When nightfall came they went back to the alienage only to find Huon had killed his wife before he resorted to blood magic to try and kill them all. It was similar to the situation Lillian's group had come across. And in the end they had managed to kill Huon.

After Lillian told the others what had happened with her group, she gave a tired sigh and glanced around the room. Everyone seemed so tired, she knew she was aching and exhausted. Aveline was hurt too, which only made it seem practical to be done for the day. "Well I don't think any of us want to see another blood mage tonight," She doubted they'd be any good in a fight against one right now anyway. "I think we can put off meeting with the de Launcet's until tomorrow. Sound good?"

There were nods of approval throughout the room. With the matter settled everyone went their separate ways, Fenris walking with Lillian and Farkas back to Hightown. They spoke a bit on the way to Hightown, but Lillian was too busy thinking on how comfortable her bed would be. She just couldn't wait to curl up under the covers and fall asleep.

* * *

A/N: First off I wanted to say I've been writing up chapters for this story practically every day. I have the next few already completed, but I was torn. I didn't want to post them all back to back, so I've decided to post a new chapter every other day. This way it doesn't end too quickly (not that it would, I plan on it being a lengthy story).

Secondly, I'd like to thank those of you who are taking the time to read my story. It feels good to log in and see so many people reading it, and even better when I see people following it! And I wanted to give a shout out to **Musicalrain**. :) Your reviews have been giving me the little push I need to stay motivated, and it makes me excited to post new chapters. 3 So thank you!


	5. Chapter Four

When Lillian returned home she wanted nothing more than to sleep. But when Bodahn offered her dinner her stomach gave a longing growl. So despite her fatigue she ate, and by time she was making her way upstairs she realized that her body was much too sore. Sleep wouldn't come easily, so she did the next best thing; she took a bath.

When the water was nice and hot she poured it into the tub, and as she added the scented oils she could already feel herself relaxing. Undressing was more taxing than she had anticipated as her arms felt like rocks, but she managed to get by. A soft sigh escaped her lips as she eased into the tub, and before Lillian could stop herself her eyes fluttered shut and she let her mind unwind. A lot had happened in a single day, more than usual. Perhaps it wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't been so angry. But to Lillian, anger was nothing new. She'd always been a hothead, but she had usually been able to mask it behind her wit and charming sarcasm. But all of that was fading, changing her into a woman who was as unstable and angry as a trapped animal. In a way she supposed she really was nothing more than a trapped animal fighting for its life.

All her life she had been running. At first it was to keep her father and sister safe from the templars, but when they settled into Lothering they had stayed for awhile. A long while; seven years to be exact. It had felt like home to her. But after her father died the world seemed a little dimmer to Lillian. But she stayed strong for her family, and she stayed strong for _him_. He was her only friend, and he was the one who helped her through her fathers death. It was through his strength that she was able to take care of her family. But then he vanished. Like a wisp of smoke he had disappeared from her life, and Lillian figured that was the day she had started to change. Everything seemed to roll downhill from then on.

She could feel the prickling sensation in her eyes as she let herself relive the memories she had of him. The boyish charm he was never aware he possessed, the way his eyes always lit up when he saw her, and the way her heart fluttered whenever he said her name. She remembered how they would sneak out after dark and dance together in the fields just outside town where no one could watch. She had been so blinded by her infatuation that she hadn't seen that he was losing interest in her. He had to have, she thought. If he hadn't lost interest in her then why had he been so cruel? Why didn't he tell her...?

A few tears slid down her cheek, and Lillian didn't hesitate to furiously wipe them away. She had been sad at first, and it still made her sad to think of him. But the sadness always washed away into anger when she remembered the last time she had seen him. Had she known that would be the last time they would talk things would have gone very differently.

Lillian slipped beneath the surface of the water as if trying to drown her anger. She was so tired of being angry. She was tired of everything, really. Tired of dealing with the problems of a city that seemed bent on destroying itself, tired of dealing with the constant threat of war, tired of blood mages, tired of templars, tired of being the 'Champion of Kirkwall' only when people needed her, but a 'filthy Ferelden dog-lord' any other time... she was just exhausted. Lillian resurfaced, letting her head rest against the back of the tub once more. She took a soft cloth and began cleaning away the dirt that had accumulated from the days adventures, all the while her mind wandering to what was really bothering her.

Perhaps the reason she felt so bitter towards the people of Kirkwall rested in the fact she had given them everything and they still treated her like she was the scum of the earth. She had gone through more than anyone could possibly imagine and still came out fighting. She had suffered more cracked ribs and bruised and broken limbs than she could keep count of, all on their behalf. She had even been impaled by the Arishok in a fight for Kirkwall! But they still asked more of her. Just making it to Kirkwall had cost her brothers life.

"Carver..." she murmured.

He had always been her jealous younger brother, but she had loved him all the same. He was bold and brave, daring and courageous. He was everything a knight should be and more, and yet he had been a mere foot soldier in the king's army. She had been part of the army as well, though she had been in the archer's unit. They had served at Ostagar together, and together they had survived the swarm of darkspawn and retreated back to Lothering where they had thought they would be safe. They had only managed to stay home for a week before the darkspawn attacked Lothering as well, and they had been forced to run again, though this time with their mother and Bethany. That was when they had met Aveline. It wasn't long after that when the ogre had appeared, and Carver selflessly threw himself in its path to save their mother. Lillian had felt so helpless, unable to do anything but watch as the massive creature had crushed his body with a single hand. There was nothing she could have done, not even taken his place as he had been too far behind her. But she always felt a twinge of guilt and regret when she thought of it.

Kirkwall had taken Bethany away as well. If they hadn't come to the city the templars never would have found her, and they never would have taken her away. Perhaps part of it was her fault. If she had taken Bethany with her into the Deep Roads then maybe she would still be at Lillian's side. She would have been able to live in the estate like she had been fantasizing about ever since they had found their grandfather's will. But Lillian had been afraid something would happen to her down in the Deep Roads, and so she had told her to protect their mother while she was away. But when Lillian thought on everything they had experienced in the Deep Roads she knew she had made the right decision. Bethany would have been miserable there, and even if she had gone the templars would have probably come for her anyway, it just would have been later rather than sooner.

It pained her to think that Bethany was her only living family member, other than Gamlen, and she couldn't even see her. Meredith had made it so the mages couldn't have visitors, especially if the visitor in question was the champion.

But perhaps the hardest thing Lillian had to face since coming to Kirkwall was her mothers death. Ever since she was a young girl her mother had frowned upon almost everything Lillian did. At first she thought her mother simply disliked her, but as she grew older Lillian had come to realize that her mother was simply worried about her. She knew her mother loved her, and she loved her mother dearly. When Lillian came of age Leandra seemed to have come to terms that her eldest daughter was not going to be a dainty lady, but a graceful fighter. Lillian smiled as she remembered something her mother had told her a few years ago. "You may go out and play war with the boys, but at least you come home and act like a lady." It was true, she did go out and get all sorts of dirty and hurt when she fought, but when she could sit at home and relax she loved to wear dresses and look pretty.

As Lillian gently scrubbed a smudge of dirt from her wrist she caught sight of a small scar there. It was relatively small, only about an inch in length but it was perfectly smooth and straight across her skin. The scar sent a jolt of memories through Lillian's mind, forcing her to relive her mother's final moments. She remembered the way the body felt so broken in her arms. It hadn't even been her mothers body, but the body parts of several women stitched and sewn together, only the head belonging to her beautiful mother. Leandra had looked so tired then, but she also seemed relieved. "I knew you'd come," she had said. Lillian had been frantic to find a way to save her, but Anders lamented that there was nothing he could do. "Don't fret, darling. I get to see Carver again, and your father." Leandra had given her a sad smile at this. "But you'll be here alone." At the time Lillian had assured her that she would be fine, but as she heard her mothers final words lingering in her mind she wasn't so sure of that anymore. "My little girl has grown so strong. I love you. You've always made me proud, my beautiful Lily."

Lillian felt the prickle of hot tears in her eyes again. This time she let them go, hoping that perhaps it would make her feel better. She let herself cry for Carver, for Bethany and for her mother. She cried for her father and for the life she could have had. But more than anything she cried for the little girl she used to be. That silver-tongued charmer that thought she knew what's what just because her family lived on the edge of danger. The girl who had no reason or intention of being cruel or cynical had died when she saw the world for what it really was. It was a dog-eat-dog world, and performing good deeds didn't mean the favor would be returned. What had she ever done in her life to deserve all of this? All she had ever done was protect her family. Her father had once told her that strife gave a person strength. Perhaps all of this suffering was the Maker's way of trying to make her tougher? Lillian frowned at the thought. She was plenty strong.

Her crying slowed to a stop after a little while, and a small part of her felt better. Not completely better, she didn't think it was possible for her to completely get over everything that had happened the last few years, but she had come to terms with a few things. She was turning bitter, but she could change that. Her mother, father, and brother were dead, but she wasn't alone. She still had Farkas and in a way she still had Bethany. Isabela wouldn't abandon her after everything they had gone through together, either. Aveline and Varric weren't the type of people who would turn their backs on a friend, and Anders... well she liked to think he wouldn't leave her side. The others she wasn't so sure about, but even without them she wasn't alone.

In the end, despite all of her strength, Lillian realized that more than anything she was afraid of being alone.

With that thought in mind she rose from the cool bath water and stepped out of the tub. She dried off as much as she could manage before she slipped into a silky sleeping gown. She combed her hair and tied it into a loose braid that reached all the way down to her waist before she checked the mirror that hung on the wall. Her eyes were a little red from tears making her ice blue eyes seem even more piercing than usual, but other than that there was no indication she had been upset. Giving her reflection a small but reassuring smile, Lillian stepped back into her bedroom only to find someone sitting on her bed. A warm smile touched her lips as she made her way over, stopping only a foot away.

"I hadn't been expecting you." she said, not unkindly.

"Bodahn let me in," Cullen explained, returning her smile. "You didn't seem to have an easy day. I figured you could use a listening ear."

Lillian's smile quirked only a bit, transforming into a faint smirk. "Is that what you call it now?" The brunette sat down beside the templar which in turn caused Farkas, who had been napping on the bed behind Cullen, to get up and leave the room with a huff.

Cullen's face tinged a little red at that, but he didn't seem to lose his nerve. "No," he answered. "I mean it, Lillian. I'm here if you want to talk."

The gesture touched her. They weren't exactly romantically involved, but he made it more than clear he wanted to be. Lillian on the other hand wasn't really sure if she wanted to officially court him. But something drew her to him, and guilt ate away at her when she toyed with the thought that the something was more like a someone. Cullen looked quite similar to _him_. Sandy colored hair, inviting brown eyes, and a muscular build; it screamed of the boy she had been so enraptured with. But as the memory of her childhood friend resurfaced she quickly shook them away. Now wasn't the time to think of him.

"Thank you, Cullen." Lillian said sincerely. "But I think right now I just want to sleep."

He gave her a nod, understanding and perhaps a bit of disappointment in his eyes. "Then I'll let you sleep." Before he got up to go however, he leaned forward and planted a gentle kiss on her brow. "Sleep well, Lillian. I'm here if you ever need me."

"I know." Lillian watched as he stood and made for the door. "Goodnight, Cullen."

Once he was out of the room she let a soft sigh escape her lips. Part of her felt wrong for even being involved with Cullen, even if it wasn't official. He was too sweet and too good a person for her. And aside from that a small part of her was also convinced that she was using him, even if she wasn't consciously doing it. She frowned at that thought and did her best to push it aside as she curled under her soft blankets. Farkas came loping back into the room only a second later and settled in beside her on the bed, licking her cheek as always before he laid his head down to go to sleep. Lillian cast him a smile before she blew out the candle on the nightstand, her thoughts turning to her childhood as she drifted off to sleep.


	6. Chapter Five

The following afternoon found Lillian walking the streets of Lowtown in nothing more than a simple forest green dress that reached her knees, a brown corset at her waist, and her brown leather boots. Her long chestnut colored hair cascaded freely down her back, and for once her eyes seemed relatively calm rather than harried. She felt a lot better after her bath the previous night, as though it brought her some peace. Maybe it had, but Lillian didn't question it. She felt better and that was all she cared about.

She knew she was taking a chance with going about Lowtown in nothing but a dress, but there were few attacks during the day in Kirkwall. She had faith no one would attack her and if they did, she wasn't completely unprepared. She kept a dagger hidden in each boot and there were throwing knives attached to each thigh. She took pity on the soul who would dare try to ruin her relatively good mood.

The hot summer sun beat down on her as she made her way down the dusty street, but she could see the large swinging object up ahead that signaled her destination. A few merchants tried to call her over to their stalls but Lillian simply ignored them and continued forward until she stepped through the heavy door of the Hanged Man. The air inside felt cooler than outside, causing a sigh of relief to leave her lips. She glanced around but caught no sign of Isabela or Varric. With a shrug she marched on, up a small ramp until she stood outside Varric's door. She tapped on it twice before she entered, not bothering to wait for an answer.

Varric sat at his large dining area, feet propped on the table as he munched on a plate of strawberries. He flashed her a grin as she came to join him at the table. "Hawke! What a pleasant surprise. How's my favorite champion doing?"

As usual he was jovial and spirited which left a smile on her own lips. "I'm good. And how is the most handsome dwarf in Kirkwall doing?"

Varric seemed surprised by her response, but the shock was quickly replaced by a sly smile. "You haven't called me that since..." He stopped himself, not wanting to say the rest. He doubted she needed any reminders of her mother's death. "Well, it's been a long awhile. It's good to see you're feeling better." His brown eyes studied her attire before his grin grew even larger. "And you're not trudging around Kirkwall in that bloody armor, I see. I'd almost forgotten there was such a stunning woman underneath all that rugged leather."

At that moment the door swung open and Isabela strolled in, a huge smirk upon her lips as she sauntered over into the seat next to Lillian. Her brilliant brown eyes regarded Lillian in one of those knowing looks, causing Lillian to let out a small chuckle. "If I didn't know any better I'd think the two of you were flirting." Isabela purred.

Lillian guffawed at this, leaving Varric to respond. "Flirting? Hardly." He popped another strawberry in his mouth before he pushed a tray of grapes over to Lillian. Grapes were her favorite, he knew, and she had a tendency to devour them. She accepted the fruit with a nod of thanks before Varric turned back to the pirate. "I'm not into humans, no matter how lovely they may be. As for Hawke, well, I can't speak for her. Couldn't blame her though, I know how irresistible I am. It's the chest hair."

Both females laughed, and Varric poured them all a glass of sweet wine before everything seemed to settle down. Lillian sipped her wine, Isabela propped her feet on the table as Varric had been doing earlier, and the dwarf settled into his chair, arms folded across his lap, and his gaze on Lillian. "So Hawke, what brings you here so early? I thought we were going to visit the de Launcet's after sundown?" he finally asked.

She shrugged lightly, watching Isabela steal a grape before looking back to Varric. "After yesterday today has been rather dull. I figured I'd stop by to see if you've heard anything of interest lately." She took a grape for herself, savoring the sweet taste. She'd always had a sweet tooth, and luckily there were fruits that were sweet enough for her tastes. She dreaded to think of what she'd look like if she'd been eating cakes and pies all this time as opposed to grapes and cherries.

"Well there is something," Varric started thoughtfully.

"You're not going to tell her about the 'supposed' sighting of a manticore up in Sundermount, are you?" Isabela interrupted. "That story is nothing but rubbish."

Varric sighed and shook his head. "No, I try to make a habit of not spreading falsities." He gave Isabela a look before turning back to Lillian who seemed amused at the thought of manticores in Sundermount. "My men have heard that a great Ferelden ship is to make port in Kirkwall a few days from now." He waited for a change of expression in Lillian, but he received no such thing. She looked as neutral as she had been before. "A big, fancy kind of ship no less. There's no word yet on who is making the voyage, but it's looking like it'll be someone important."

Lillian considered this for a moment. If someone big and important was coming to Kirkwall the odds were she'd end up meeting them. But it was strange to her that this person was to arrive in a few days, yet she hadn't heard word of it yet and even Varric's men didn't know the identity of the passenger.

"Maybe it's someone you know." Isabela grinned.

It wasn't a normal grin, it was her 'cat that just ate the canary' kind of grin. Lillian frowned lightly as she thought about Isabela's words. "There's only one person I know in Ferelden who fits the bill here," Her frowned deepened even more as she considered the possibility of it being that same person. "Varric, do you know why this Ferelden is making the journey in the first place?" she asked. If he did it would hopefully either confirm or deny this plaguing thought.

The dwarf nodded. "There was an alliance that Viscount Dumar had been working on between Kirkwall and Ferelden. Word has it all the paperwork had been completed and ready to send back to King Alistair to make it official when the Arishok stormed the keep. Well, we all know how that turned out. A few weeks ago Seneschal Bran found the paperwork and sent it off to Denerim anyhow, and everyone agrees it's still official. So it's to be assumed whoever is coming to Kirkwall is coming in regard to that. They'll probably want to meet with you and Meredith since you're the unofficial leaders of Kirkwall."

A fleeting sense of panic hit Lillian then, for more than one reason. The first being that Varric had said _his_ name which always sent her heart rate soaring. The second reason being Varric had confirmed her fears. If the Ferelden was indeed heading to Kirkwall on behalf of the alliance, the odds were it would be Alistair. She could only pray that it was one of his royal lackeys, but her luck practically assured it would be the king himself, and she wasn't sure what she would do if he requested an audience with her.

* * *

Just after sundown Lillian, Isabela, Varric, and Fenris had made their way to visit the de Launcet's. Dulci hadn't been too willing to admit she had helped her son until Guillaume had barged into the room, unaware of their company, and berated his wife for giving money to Emile. That had been all Lillian needed to know. The de Launcet's were open books after that, and informed the group that Emile could probably be found down at the Hanged Man. It wasn't until they stepped out of the mansion that Isabela scrunched up her nose in distate. "I think I know who they were talking about. I don't know why I didn't put it together until now. There's been this really gross looking guy down at the Hanged Man for the last two or three nights. Absolutely pathetic, really. I don't think he'd know what to do with a woman even if he managed to convince one to sleep with him."

Lillian chuckled lightly at this. "Sounds like a mage who's looking for a bit of fun before being dragged back to the Circle. Can't imagine they find time to teach the mages how to be with a woman while they're busy brainwashing them into thinking they're all plagues and demons in their own right." She said the last part with a certain bite in her tone.

"Some of them are." Fenris said casually.

Lillian turned and gave him a sharp look. The memory of her father and Bethany burned bright in her mind. They weren't plagues to society, nor were they demons. "Some may be, yes. But not all." She turned her gaze forward and led them to Lowtown where they'd pay another visit to the Hanged Man.

The walk to the Hanged Man was rather uneventful, save for a group of renegade thieves who thought they could take Lillian's group on. The thieves had been easily dispatched, especially considering Lillian was back in her leather armor, though her bow was still at home. From all the information she had gathered it seemed Emile was practically harmless.

As they entered the Hanged Man the smell of alcohol and sweat hit Lillian like a brick wall. Her nose scrunched up at the foul smell but she did her best to put it behind her. The Hanged Man was always this smelly during summer nights; booze and quite a large number of bodies packed together made it inevitable. But there was one part of the room that seemed to be cleared out, and a single figure sat at a table slumped over his mug. Lillian gave the others the signal to follow as she headed in that direction. What she came upon confirmed that this _had_ to be Emile de Launcet. He looked weak and out of place, but more than anything he was drunk off his ass and when he turned to see Lillian he looked desperate beyond measure. The moment he opened his mouth everything was confirmed.

"Are you a mage? Because you just magicked my breath away!" he slurred.

Lillian blinked once, then twice, then a third time before she pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head. She could hear Isabela snickering behind her along with Varric. At least Fenris was keeping quiet. Emile didn't seem put off by his horrible pick up line however, and continued giving her a smile that seemed more awkward than charming. "That was just awful." As the words left her, Emile merely shrugged and took another swig from his mug. "Are you Emile de Launcet?" If it wasn't him then there was a new pathetic sod in Kirkwall. Wouldn't Isabel love that?

He seemed pleased that she knew his name. "Yes, I am Emile de Launcet. You may have heard of me; dangerous blood mage -"

"Blood mage?" Lillian cut him off, a smirk tugging at her lips. If this man was a blood mage, she was Empress Celene of Orlais. "That's a bit of a shame. I was sent here by Meredith to return you to the Circle." Emile's eyes were as wide as saucers, but Lillian pressed on. "But if you're a blood mage I think you'll have a very different welcoming when you get there." Lillian favored mages, but blood mages were not okay with her. It was the one reason that caused such strain between her and Merrill.

"I-I... Blood mage? I'm not a blood mage. I assure you, please believe me! I only spread those rumors so I could sound more desirable." The words flooded out of him in one very quick breath, and she didn't miss the beads of nervous sweat that collected at his brow.

Lillian cocked her head to the side, the smirk still playing at her lips as she studied him. "This is by far the most depressing thing I've ever seen happen in the Hanged Man. And I've seen a lot of things happen here." Varric commented.

Isabela gave a chuckle, but it was Fenris who spoke up next. "I don't believe him." he said coolly. "This is all just an act so you'll let your guard down."

Both Isabela and Varric scoffed at this, and Lillian had to agree with them. It was too pathetic to be faked. "You're just set on being negative because he's a mage." Isabela pointed out. Isabela - one, Fenris - zero. But then Fenris was always cautious and distrusting.

"Why did you run from the Circle?" Lillian asked before an argument broke out behind her.

Emile seemed to be sobered up at this point, though he seemed to be sweating more profusely than he had been a moment ago. Perhaps the sight of Fenris (and then learning he disliked mages) had shaken him up even more. "I.. I just wanted to live a little." he admitted quietly. "At the Circle, we're so confined. There's little we can do outside of reading and more reading. Meredith allows no visitors, and under no circumstance are we permitted to leave the Circle territory. Only First Enchanter Orsino can do that, and even then he's not even allowed to leave the Gallows." This information only surprised Lillian a little. She knew Meredith was getting out of hand, but she wasn't aware that even the First Enchanter was bound just as tightly as his mages were. "But I've read so many books that tell of life outside the Circle and I needed to see it for myself. I wanted to drink mead and feel the company of a woman. I fully intended on returning to the Circle, messere, truly I did! But I haven't been able to even kiss a girl..."

Lillian inhaled deeply, her eyes closing as she tried her hardest not to laugh. She held the breath for a second or two before she gently exhaled, her pale blue eyes opening and finding Emile staring at her. He looked so pitiful, like a puppy in the rain she wanted to help him. But she definitely wasn't going to sleep with him. Her eyes quickly turned to Isabela, a wicked smile touching her lips. Isabela narrowed her eyes at her in an accusatory manner. "What?" the pirate huffed, her arms crossing over her chest.

"All he wants is a bit of womanly affection, Isabela. That is your area of expertise is it not?" Lillian quipped.

Emile seemed to perk up at this, his eyes turning to Isabela in a hopeful manner.

But Isabela wanted none of it. She gave Lillian a pointed glare and shook her head. "Absolutely not. I mean look at him!" Emile seemed put out by this, but Isabela paid him no mind. "I whore myself out just fine without your help, Lily."

Varric and Lillian chuckled at this. Turning back to Emile, Lillian lost her smirk as she studied him more closely. He was too dull to be a blood mage, and too pathetic to be lying to her. Of the three on the list Meredith had given her, he was the only non-blood mage, and the only one who hadn't attacked when presented with returning to the Circle. In fact he admitted he had planned to return to the Circle. That didn't mean he was automatically telling the truth, but her instincts told her he wasn't lying, and if nothing else Lillian was one to follow her instincts.

"Your mother gave you money, correct?" she asked suddenly.

Emile seemed taken aback by this, but he nodded his head slowly. "Yes, she did."

"Then stop wasting it." Her tone was more curt than she had intended, but she kept going. "Board a ship and get far away from Kirkwall. Even if you aren't a blood mage, Meredith won't believe you and she'll do away with you no matter what. And if you're made tranquil you definitely won't know a woman's touch." She gave him a very small but reassuring smile. "Just don't waste your opportunity. I'll tell Meredith that you fought me and I killed you."

If he had been surprised earlier, it was nothing compared to now. His mouth hung open for a few seconds, something that made him look even more unappealing. Before he could respond Fenris spoke up, his voice angry and perhaps slightly enraged. "He is a blood mage, he said it himself! You cannot simply let him walk away!"

She didn't turn to look at him, but a small flicker of her own anger ignited at his words. "Enough, Fenris."

"Don't be a fool, Hawke! If you let him go you're putting many lives in danger! Mages cannot be trusted!" Fenris growled.

Emile seemed to snap back to reality at this. He awkwardly got to his feet, not sure if he should go or stay. Lillian finally turned to give Fenris a very serious, cool glare. "I said that's enough, Fenris. Not every mage is evil. Not every elf is a pick pocketing thief. Not every refugee is a worthless beggar." She paused, her pale eyes locked to his in an intense stare. "Not every champion lives a charmed life."

Fenris lost most of his fight at this. She was right and he knew it, and that last part was an unnecessary but effective blow to anything he may have tried to say. So instead he bowed his head and cast his gaze to the floor in defeat. She was nothing if not passionate.

When she was sure Fenris was done fighting her Lillian turned back to Emile. He looked uneasy so she did her best to give him a small smile. She failed miserably. "Go now." she told him. "Don't waste this opportunity, Emile. Be free."

He held her gaze for a moment as if wondering if this was all a cruel joke. After concluding that it wasn't he gave her a deep bow. "Thank you, Champion. I'll never forget your kindness." And with that he was gone.


	7. Chapter Six

The next few days passed without incident. When Lillian reported back to Meredith the morning after meeting Emile, the Knight-Commander hadn't seemed pleased or convinced that Lillian had supposedly killed the man. There were no stories of a fight and no body was recovered as proof, but if she doubted Lillian or planned to find Emile, Meredith made no mention of it and let the whole thing go without a problem.

Lillian spent her days cleaning up the streets of Kirkwall, mostly the packs of renegade templars and escaped mages who decided a rebellion was the only way to fix things between the Circle and the chantry. She and Fenris had made up, as they usually did, the day following the Emile situation. But most importantly Lillian hadn't heard a whisper more about the Ferelden ship that was intended to make port in Kirkwall. It was something that had been haunting her ever since Varric told her about it. She was still in lighter spirits than she had been for many months, but the thought of seeing _him_ again always soured her mood a bit. She was beginning to wonder what weighed out more: her anger for him, or how much she missed him.

She had been busy sharpening her daggers down in the cellar when a dwarf entered her peripheral vision. At first she thought it was Bodahn, but as she turned her head to look she realized it was Varric. She gave him a small smile as she set her the dagger in her hands down on the table beside her. "Varric," she greeted. "What an unexpected surprise. To what do I owe the pleasure?" Her tone was its usual sarcastic one when around Varric. He always seemed to bring that out in her.

Varric wandered around the area for a moment, taking in the sight. It'd been a few years since he'd been in the cellar. Until now that had been the first and only time he'd been there, honestly. It was the time Hawke had ventured along the halls in an attempt to find her grandfather's will. Bethany had been there, so bright-eyed and excited when Hawke read the will out loud to her. It was something he doubted he could ever forget. But now the cellar was a completely different place. Rather than dusty old barrels laying about it had been transformed into a training area, complete with practice dummies, various weapons hanging on the walls (he even spotted a morning star and couldn't help but wonder what she did with that monstrous weapon), and even a few dummies wearing armor that had been ripped in various places. If he had to take a guess, she used those dummies to find chinks in their armor.

"I see you've renovated the place." he grinned.

She returned the gesture whole-heartedly. "The sight of dead slavers, dusty crates and such was just too bleak for my tastes. Besides I need something to do when Kirkwall isn't destroying itself. So I train." Lillian shrugged.

Varric glanced back to the morning star. "And what, pray tell, do you do with these primitive weapons on your walls?"

A chuckle left her. "Well you never know when you're left weaponless. I'm horrible with the thing, but I'm better than I would be if I was forced to wield one out of no where." She gave another slight shrug. "Only a slight advantage over no experience with it, but it could be the difference between life and death."

He quirked a brow but said nothing else on the matter.

"So," Lillian started after a moment of pause. "I doubt you came here to see how much the cellar has changed. What's going on?"

"I received word earlier this afternoon, and I thought you'd like to know." Varric took a seat in one of the many chairs littered across the room. It was Lillian's turn to quirk a brow this time. "The ship from Ferelden arrived earlier today."

It felt like someone punched her right in the stomach. Lillian quickly sat down in a chair, her mind racing a mile a minute as she tried to calm her nerves. She did her best to seem impassive but she had a feeling she was failing miserably. All her self-control had been deteriorating over the last few years. But that worry was quickly replaced by her fear, was it fear? - of seeing _him_ again. She didn't even want to think of his name. Trying not to get ahead of herself, Lillian took a deep breath and composed herself as much as she could manage. "Have they disembarked yet? I haven't heard anything out of the ordinary today. And Bodahn would have informed me if he saw a procession moving down the streets."

Varric sighed and shook his head. "That's the thing, Hawke. The ship made port but even my men haven't been able to figure out who was on board. They've only seen the same uniformed guards get off the ship, nothing out of the ordinary. And they all made their way up to Viscount's Keep, but again there's nothing out of the ordinary. They're being welcomed into the keep like old friends. I'm thinking the seneschal pulled a fast one here. He knows what's going on, and somehow he made it so no one else does."

Lillian wasn't sure how to feel about that. She chewed her lip softly in thought, a nervous habit she had developed at a young age and hadn't been able to shake, much to her mother's dismay. A thought struck her, and she turned to Varric suddenly. "If they're headed to the keep then Aveline probably knows something!"

He seemed to ponder on this for a moment before he gave a small nod. "As captain of the guard she ought to know, but that woman is more duty-bound than anything else. If she knew there's a chance she wouldn't tell you." He frowned a bit before he went on. "And if it is the king she probably wouldn't tell you even if she wasn't ordered to keep it a secret."

"What makes you say that?"

Varric seemed a little uncertain. "We all know your history with him, Hawke. You're a tough woman, and most who meet you think you're indestructible. But Aveline, and Isabela and the rest of us who are close to you, we know you're not." Lillian seemed to puff up at this but he waved at her to stop. "Don't try and pretend that you are, Hawke. We've been around you long enough to know you're just as flawed as the rest of us, maybe in different ways. And if you want to keep pretending that nothing can hurt you let me put it this way: you've been through a lot. Way more than any person should be. Aveline wouldn't tell you because she doesn't want to put more on your plate."

"I'm not a delicate flower that needs protecting." Lillian frowned. "I can look out for myself."

"But that's where you're wrong. You're our Lily, and ours to protect. Not because you may or may not be fragile, but because you're our friend and that's what friends do." Varric saw a hurricane of emotions flit across her face at this, never staying long enough for him to decipher.

Finally it rested on defiant which if he was being honest, he hadn't really expected. "Who said I didn't want to see him? Maybe I've missed him."

Varric couldn't help but smile. "Then march up to Viscount's Keep and see if he's there now. I'll be right beside you, Hawke."

Lillian studied him for a moment before she broke the defiant stance and sighed in defeat. "I can't." she grumbled.

"And that's why Aveline probably wouldn't tell you." he said kindly.

They talked for awhile after that, mostly about Ferelden and taking guesses at where in the country Aveline had hailed from. She had never told anyone, the only clue being when she had told Bethany all that time ago that she wasn't from Lothering. After quite a bit of guessing Varric excused himself and headed back to the Hanged Man. It wasn't long after that when Bodahn announced dinner was ready. Lillian was only halfway through her meal when there was a knock at the door. Bodahn immediately excused himself from the table to answer it, leaving her at the table with Sandal, Bodahn's adoptive son.

She cast him a friendly smile. "So Sandal, what have you been up to lately? Other than swinging from the chandelier."

The boy finished chewing the food in his mouth before he gave her a brilliant smile. "Enchantment!" he exclaimed.

Her smile only grew at that. He might have been a simple boy, but his endless joy was contagious. And when it came to enchantments he was a pure genius. "Your father told me he's worried about you being cooped up inside all day. You're more than welcome to take walks with Farkas when he's not with me or Aveline."

Sandal only seemed even more delighted by this. "I like the doggy!"

As if on cue a loud bark resounded through the entire house followed by the patter of four paws running through the estate. Within seconds Farkas had his paws on Lillian's lap and smothered her face with kisses before he jumped down to do the same to Sandal. Bodahn and Aveline came in behind Farkas, the dwarf standing at attention and Aveline seeming distracted by something else. Trying to ignore the conversation she'd had with Varric earlier, Lillian gave her old friend a smile. "Aveline, good to see you outside the keep for once." Normally that would have earned her a chuckle, but now she was met with only half of the guard's attention.

"Things have been busy, lately," Aveline explained. "Bran's got us working twice as hard these last few days, even Farkas got an extensive workout today."

Farkas gave another excited bark, hopping off of Sandal to sit down at Lillian's side. She tossed him a piece of turkey before looking back to Aveline. "You do look exhausted. Would you like to have dinner with us? There's more than enough food."

Aveline looked at the table longingly for a moment before she shook her head. "I'd like to, but I can't. If I don't return to the keep soon who knows what'll happen."

Lillian frowned slightly but nodded her head regardless. She motioned for Bodahn to take a seat before she stood and walked Aveline to the door. "What has you working so hard anyway?" she asked once they left the dining area.

"Our visitors from Ferelden. I'm sure Varric's found out about them by now and told you." Aveline said, a hint of annoyance in her voice that didn't seem directed at Lillian. "The seneschal has us working our asses off to try and make Kirkwall 'less populated with violence and more appealing to our new allies', as he said. Pompous ass. All my guards are worn down to the bone chasing after street thugs, crazed templars and out of control mages. The only break we've had is you helping out, even if it was unknowingly."

So she was willing to admit the Fereldens were in town. She had to know who the visitor was. "Who exactly is our 'visitor'?" Lillian dove right in, watching Aveline's expression change into one she couldn't decipher.

The guard captain opened the front door but paused there for a moment, as if trying to figure out what to say. "It's not my place to say, Hawke. You know I'd tell you if I could."

The rest of the evening Lillian couldn't shake the feeling of dread that began eating away at her. Everything was pointing in one direction, but she desperately wanted things to be pointing the other way. It looked like Alistair was in Kirkwall, and if he was it seemed inevitable he would want to speak with her. But did she want to see him? A big part of her was too hurt and angry to want to see him. But a very small part of her missed him and wondered just how much he had changed.

As she settled in for sleep that night, Lillian decided it was better not to worry about something that hadn't happened yet. She would face the problem when it confronted her, and if it didn't then it was no loss to her. Or so she told herself.


	8. Chapter Seven

Lillian's resolve only lasted her through the night. When she woke up the next morning she did her usual routine: she took a quick bath, changed into her light leather armor, and tied her long brown hair into a knot at the back of her head before she descended downstairs for breakfast. Farkas happily made his way beside her, but when Lillian reached the bottom of the stairs Bodahn was waiting for her, a note in his hand and a surprisingly nervous look in his blue eyes.

"A note came for you early this morning, messere."

She stared at the note as if it were a deadly viper rather than a piece of paper. It was small and inconspicuous. Maybe it was from one of the mages seeking help? Or maybe it was from Varric? A frown made its way to her lips as she took the paper from Bodahn, nothing but dread filling her. But what had she told herself last night? She'd face the problem when it came, and if this was the problem she'd been fearing then she would simply face it. She wasn't sure how she would manage it, but it was silly for her to be afraid of a note when she had no idea what it said. She'd only find out if she opened it, and so she did.

And her heart nearly stopped beating.

_Dear Champion,_

_Please meet me in the Keep._

_- King Alistair of Ferelden_

It was as though someone placed her in another Crushing Prison. Her chest was tight and there was a loud buzzing that filled her head. Was this some sick cosmic joke? Everything she had been dreading for the past week had come crushing down on her in those twelve simple words scratched across the paper in familiar handwriting. She could almost hear his voice whispering those words into her ear.

"Messere?" Bodahn's voice was like a blade piercing through her jumbled thoughts. She glanced up at him for only a second before her body acted on its own accord.

Without a word Lillian darted out of her home. She heard Bodahn trying to keep Farkas home, but she couldn't be bothered with wondering if her companion was following her or not. As she stepped outside she realized the streets were packed with morning shoppers. That didn't stop her. With an easy grace Lillian scaled up the side of a nearby estate, using railings and stable parts of the structure to her advantage. Not but a moment later she was running across the rooftops of Hightown, her mind eerily blank but her feet clearly leading her somewhere.

The buildings became more difficult to climb up as she ascended a hill, but not once did she falter. She kept up her momentum until she found herself scaling across the front of Viscount's Keep, a good fifty feet up in the air. She heard shouts on the ground below but ignored them. Her eyes were focused on the large window pane before her, allowing her to peek inside the keep itself. There were a hundred men in what she recognized to be Ferelden royal armor, but they were all around one man in relatively plain gold armor. Her gaze honed in on this man, and when she saw that flash of sandy blonde hair and the charming smile she knew so well she panicked. He hadn't seen her, but she wasn't about to give him the chance.

Lillian skittered back to the rooftops, fleeing back across Hightown the same way she had come. As she neared Lowtown and the streets weren't as crowded she took a bold leap from the rooftop she was on and landed on the dusty ground below in a roll. She sprang to her feet without missing a beat and shot off in the direction of the Hanged Man. She wasn't really sure what she was doing, but she knew Isabela and Varric lived there, and she felt the need to tell someone. Varric would know what to do, right? He had to. Besides he'd be interested in learning who their little visitor was.

She burst through the front door of the Hanged Man and stormed her way straight to Varric's room without so much as a knock. He was sitting at his table as he had been last time, though this time Isabela was already sitting at the table with him. When Lillian stormed into the room they both looked up at her in surprise.

There was a small silence, Lillian panting in the doorway, one hand balled up and the other still holding the door open while Varric and Isabela watched her carefully. Finally Lillian caught her breath and threw the letter that had been in her balled up fist at Varric. "It's him."

Varric read the note a few times before he handed it over to Isabela who seemed more than delighted to indulge. Lillian began pacing around the room while chewing her lip. No one said a word for a few minutes until Isabela finally spoke up. "So why do you look like you just ran the whole way across Thedas?" she smirked.

Lillian stopped her pacing to give Isabela a pointed look. "Because... I don't know. My body acted of it's own volition. Before I knew what I was doing I was running across the rooftops of Hightown to get to the keep. I climbed across the front of the keep to look through that large window, you know the monstrous one Merrill always raves about? I wanted to take a look and see if it was really him or if this was some sick joke you and Varric thought up."

Isabela and Varric had to laugh at this. "You ran across rooftops and scaled fifty feet off the ground just to look through a window to see if that was really Alistair? I suppose sprinting through the streets isn't dramatic enough for you." Isabela chirped.

The pointed look on Lillian's face transformed into a small scowl. "The streets were too crowded. Like I said, I wasn't exactly in the right state of mind. I don't think I was really conscious of it, I just... moved." It had been the strangest sensation. "But when I saw him standing there I just left."

"Back across the rooftops?" Isabela inquired.

Lillian's scowl deepened. "Back across the rooftops."

"'King Alistair of Ferelden'," Varric said thoughtfully. "'Dear _Champion_'... For being a very unofficial note it certainly sounds official. The penmanship isn't even that great. It looks personally written, and yet it doesn't seem personal at all. Either you lied to us about knowing the king, he's grown snobby with his royal status, or he doesn't know it's you."

"That's his handwriting," Lillian assured him. "I'd know it anywhere." But as she leaned over Isabela's shoulder to reread the note she realized Varric was right. It sounded oddly formal for such an informal note. She wasn't sure what she had been expecting, but it certainly wasn't this. Unwillingly she toyed with the possibilities that Varric had presented. She didn't want to think he had turned into a selfish, vain royal so she started with the last possibility. "How could he not know that I'm the Champion of Kirkwall? Not to pull the celebrity card, but other than Meredith I believe I'm the most well-known person in Kirkwall."

Varric thought on this for a moment. "While that may be true, how many people actually call you Lillian? Or Hawke? Most simply refer to you as Champion. Maybe that's all he's heard?"

It made a bit of sense, but Lillian failed to believe the king would request the presence of someone by title without even asking for their name. Then again he had never really been distrusting enough to care. Lillian really wasn't prepared to deal with the thought of a vain Alistair, but what were the other options? Either he was lulled into a sense of security from his status or he wasn't the person she had remembered. That's when the thought struck her: what if he was being so formal because he simply held no fondness for her at all anymore? She knew he wasn't romantically interested after he had vanished back in Lothering, but a small part of her had hoped that he wouldn't be so cold to her. They had been such good friends before things had complicated between them, Lillian had hoped Alistair would have held on to that. As angry as she was at him for leaving her and breaking her heart, she always remembered the friendship they had once had. It was what hurt her the most, really. Maybe he really had changed...

Taking advantage of the quiet that had fallen over the room, Isabela smirked at Lillian. "You finally find your old flame and you run like a dog with its tail between its legs." she mused. "I never thought I'd see the day where you ran and hid from anyone."

Lillian couldn't say why, but in that instant a swelling rage overtook her, and for the first time in a long time it was pointed towards Isabela. Isabela had the right of it, Lillian had run away and she was hiding from Alistair; she was well aware. Yet the fact she was aware didn't help to quell the anger that burned inside of her. Maybe she really wasn't getting better like she had thought she was. Or maybe seeing Alistair again had reopened a wound that was only just beginning to heal. Lillian couldn't say for certain, she could only say that she was very upset.

"I do not run from anyone!" Lillian roared. Both Isabela and Varric seemed stunned at her sudden outburst, but that only fueled Lillian's rage. "People hide from _me_, I don't hide from them! I am the Champion of Kirkwall; I fear no man!" Lillian knew she ought to stop, but the momentum kept her rolling. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew she was completely overreacting and making a fool of herself, but years of pent up anger towards the king were boiling over and there was nothing she could do to stop it. "I have no desire to meet with a man who threw me out of his life so quickly, but perhaps you don't understand that, Isabela, because you are never with the same man twice! You don't know how abandonment feels because you're the one who always does the abandoning!"

Once the words passed her lips Lillian snatched the note from the table and stalked out of the room without even a backward glance.

* * *

Lillian spent the rest of the day down in the cellar with the practice dummies. At first she took out her frustration on the dummies mercilessly, but once she started to settle down she had taken to sharpening her blades and arrows while pondering over her actions earlier in the day. Even in the moment she had known she was acting like a fool but she had not been able to stop herself from blowing up on Isabela. Everything that left her lips she had regretted. Isabela was her dearest friend these days, and definitely closer to Lillian than anyone else, save for maybe Varric. Lillian supposed she had just been offended that Isabela accused her of running and hiding from Alistair that she reacted negatively. She was well aware that she _had_ run and hid from the man, but that didn't make it any easier to swallow when someone else pointed it out.

When dinner time came around Lillian gladly made her way into the dining area. She was pleasantly surprised by the spread on the table: A rack of lamb baked in a crust of garlic and herbs, garnished with sprigs of mint and surrounded by mashed yellow turnips swimming in butter; a salad of spinach and chickpeas and turnip greens, and for desert there were bowls of iced blueberries and sweet cream. It was absolutely mouth-watering, but just as she went to take a seat at the table Lillian felt a shift in the air. She put a hand on the hilt of the dagger at her hip before she turned to meet Isabela's cocky grin.

"Can't even catch you off guard in your own home, can I?"

To say Lillian was surprised would be an understatement, though she did her best to hide it. "Isabela," she started.

The pirate sat at the table and began making a plate of food. Lillian watched her curiously for a moment before she took a seat at the table as well. Bodahn came out for only a moment to set down a bowl of meats for Farkas before he disappeared back into the kitchens where she could hear Sandal chatting away happily. Lillian racked her head for something to say that didn't sound foolish, but it was hard to do that when Isabela seemed as perky and happy as ever, as if earlier had never happened. "Look, Isabela, I -"

"These turnips are amazing!" Isabela exclaimed. "Why haven't you made a plate yet? Eat up, Lily! Don't want to be a walking skeleton, do you?"

Lillian frowned. "Stop deflecting me, Izzy."

Isabela set down her fork and looked Lillian in the eye. "I'm deflecting nothing. I already know what you're going to say and you don't have to. It's fine. If it wasn't fine I wouldn't have come here tonight."

"No, it's not fine!" Lillian shot back. She wasn't angry at Isabela, she was getting angry at the fact her friend was being to laid back about it all. "I shouldn't have said what I did. It was uncalled for and I didn't mean it. I'm sorry, Isabela. Truly, I am. I don't know what happened to me. I knew I should have stopped but I just couldn't."

Isabela gave a soft sigh, though her smile had softened. "It's alright, Lily. I can understand." Isabela reached across the table to grab the flask of wine. She pulled out the stopper and poured them both a glass before setting the bottle back on the table. "I shouldn't have provoked you like that. It was insensitive of me, really. I know how you feel - felt about him, and I know this can't be easy for you. We're both at fault."

Lillian allowed herself to smile. After that she made a plate filled with the delectable foods Bodahn and her cooks had prepared. Farkas had joined them in the dining area to devour his food happily while Lillian and Isabela had animated conversations about a wide array of things as they usually did. It wasn't until they had moved on to the iced blueberries and sweet cream that the topic had shifted back to Alistair, of course not of Lillian's own doing.

"I know this is the last thing you want to hear, but maybe you should rethink this whole ignoring Alistair thing."

That was enough to make Lillian nearly choke. She quickly washed the food down with a sip of wine before she gave Isabela an incredulous stare. "And why is that? You know what he did to me. I won't let that happen again."

Isabela's smile was gone, and instead a rather serious look had taken over her features. "Yes, I know what he did. But you can't make this personal. It may not be a personal request from him, it may be about business. But no matter what his intentions are, he is a king now, Lily. You cannot simply ignore a request from him. Either formally decline the invitation or go to see him."

"But you'd rather I went to see him." It wasn't a question, it was a statement.

The Rivaini nodded. "It's been a long time, Lily. Maybe seeing him will ease some of the pain he caused you. And maybe you two will make amends. You could be his queen!"

She had gone from serious to ridiculous in five words. Lillian sighed and shook her head. "You almost had me." She flashed Isabela a small smile. "But there's a good chance I'll try and strangle him if I see him. That might ruin my chances of being queen, you know?"

They shared a laugh at that, and once they finished eating they shared a few more drinks before Isabela headed back to the Hanged Man. Lillian took a relaxing bath to try and clear her head, Isabela's words ringing fresh in her mind. She had been right, Lillian knew; it wasn't smart to simply ignore the summons of a king even if they had a history together. Maybe what he wanted wasn't personal at all, but it was business. Perhaps it even had something to do with the alliance between Ferelden and Kirkwall. If it was, she certainly hoped that she hadn't messed everything up by giving Alistair the cold shoulder.

That night when Lillian curled up in bed with Farkas she let her mind wander to the possibilities of meeting Alistair again. There were two possible outcomes: things got worse between them, or nothing would change between them. Lillian wasn't prepared to forgive him even if he did apologize. He had put her through years of hurt, there was nothing he could do in a single meeting that could earn such an easy forgiveness.

Lillian snuggled her face into Farkas' soft brown fur. "I don't know what to do anymore, Farkas." she murmured. The wolf-dog gave a soft whine before he lifted his head to give her a gentle lick on the cheek. She cast him a gentle smile before she lifted her own head to give him a kiss on the nose. "Thank you."

And with that she drifted off to sleep.

* * *

A/N: Sorry for the late update! Had a busy weekend and I wasn't able to post! Alistair will be in the next chapter~ I promise!


	9. Important Update!

Hey guys, I know I haven't uploaded anything in a LONG time, and that's inexcusable. I'm very sorry about disappearing like that, and I feel like I owe you guys an explanation in the very least. My family has been dealing with some issues, and those issues had me staying with my grandmother for awhile so I could take care of her. Lucky for me (not!) she didn't have Internet at her house. When I could finally come back home, it was just in time to find out my boyfriend got his ship date for basic training (go Army!) so I wanted to spend as much time as I could with him before he left. I should have posted something to you guys at some point to make you all aware, and for failing to do so I sincerely apologize. It was never my intention to leave this story behind like that.

But I do bring some good tidings!

My boyfriend is off at basic training, and I'm on a Dragon Age (more specifically, Alistair) kick. I have every intention on working on this story more, and I hope to have a new chapter out within a few days time. Once this update is posted I intend to work on the next chapter, though I may be a bit slow in getting it out until I'm back in the groove of things. So yeah, if any of my old followers are still hanging around waiting for my next chapter, it will be soon! And for any new followers, note that this sudden break isn't in my nature, and I hope to be getting at least two to three chapters out every week depending on how busy I am.

With Love,

K


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